I would like to dedicate this post to all of the mother without custody struggling to make it from one day to the next. We’re less than a week away to Mother’s Day – Are you ready? Have you got that special woman in your life something yet? Before I share this letter – I want to share two quick posts with you.
This is going to be hard to write, but it will be even harder to read for those of us mothers who are without custody of our kids. Now, I am not going to stand here and speak for any other mom, but myself. I lost a custody battle, I didn’t have a chance winning, money always wins in the end.
But with that out of the way. I lucked out, I have my oldest daughter with me, because her biological father wanted nothing to do with her and has never been in her life. My ex husband wanted nothing to do with her, so I have full custody of her. But she has spent more time away from her siblings than any child should and that alone isn’t fair.
Being a mother without custody and living without your kids from day to day is hard.. Celebrating Mother’s Day when you kids are with their father. Those days are the hardest for me. My Facebook “on this day” is the best at showing all the good memories and not so great memories of my life before divorce and child custody.
Back when I thought my struggles were when the kids stayed up and didn’t sleep or when they were cranky. What I would do for those days again. This open letter is for the small group of us good moms who lost the battle to have custody of our kids one way or another. I can’t sit here and say this is true for all cases, some parents are really unfit parents, those cases I understand.
But those of us who are good moms who lost custody for some crazy reasons, this one goes out to you. You’re not alone, we must band together in this fight for our kids. If not full custody, at least joint custody, something more than what I have now. Goal is to get full custody or every other week, but for that second one to happen, I would have to live closer than 5 hours away.
I plan on spending the day with Hailey at church, then maybe we will do something with the family. I got it off at work. So gonna make the best of it. If we’re lucky, we can skype the kids that day too. *crosses fingers*
Dear Mother Without Custody,
I want to first off, give you a giant bear hug. You are amazing, you’re so strong and I am proud of you. Doing what you do day in and day out. Is one of the hardest things there is in life. I think being without my kids was harder to deal with than the fact the love of my life for 8 years stopped loving me and loved another woman. But it’s a different kind of pain. It’s a pain that leaves a hole in your heart and leaves this heavy burden on your chest. Those days the worst, the days you don’t want to leave your bed.
I thought joining groups for divorce parents would help, then I would see people complain about how they miss their kids for 2 days or this or that. Those people made me mad, I want to scream at them, “at least you get to hold your child for more than half of the year. What I would do for those nights again. For the nights that my kids would fight me about going to bed, helping them with homework, messy rooms, doing endless amount of laundry, their laughter. I don’t get that as often as I want.
To the Mother Without Custody who struggle to leave their bed, life isn’t the same without their kids in their everyday life. For some it feels like life is flying by and you’re just standing at the side lines, watching and waiting. Not really wanting to do anything, I admit, I have days like that from time to time.
For awhile there, this was my every day for a few months. It was a horrible way to leave. I let my depression control everything I did or didn’t do. It was like a piece of my life just up and left and I had to be all alone. Well let me just go ahead and tell you now, you’re not alone. There’s plenty of other mothers out there who are non-custodial mothers.
To the Mother Without Custody who live a busy life, who are trying to stay busy. If you stay busy, you won’t be alone with your thoughts. Working two or more jobs, you won’t have free time, you won’t have time to sit and wonder the “what if I did this differently..” or the “why does this have to happen to me..”
I try to keep myself busy, if I am busy, my mind can’t get depressed. However if you go this way too long, all that depression and sadness will build up and exploded somewhat to the point, you will have a bad day or bad week and it will totally tear down whatever you’re trying to do.
To the Mother Without Custody who only get their kids during summer break and holiday breaks. This is what I have currently. Let me just go ahead and tell you how incredible hard this is on me. When you miss all their important things and milestones in life. Losing their first tooth, school projects, bedtime stories, prepping school lunches, field trips, school pays, after school activities. All of that, I don’t get any of that anymore.
I get my kids for Thanksgiving break (roughly 5 days), half of Christmas break (maybe up to 7 days) and a week after school ends and they go back a week before school starts and then lastly Spring Break on even years. Yep, that’s it. I’ve tried a few times to make the 5 hour trip to go do something, but things always fall through on the other end and I am not able to see them.
Legally I am allowed to talk to them once a day on the phone or via Skype call, but that rarely every really happens. I’m lucky if I can talk to them at least once a week. Reasons are on both of our parts as parents, we’re working during the hours I can call.
It’s been this way since the summer of 2015, so trust me I know oh to well about the whole thing. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to that toxic relationship, that unhealthy marriage, that hell i lived in, just so I could be with my kids again. That all four of my kids can be under one roof. But instead, 3 of my 4 kids live 5 hours away in a home that is not mine.
I live for the Skype calls and phone calls that are rare andI live for the summer and holiday breaks. I live for the cuddles and bedtime stories that I do get. Their hugs and their silly stories. Those are the moments I cherish forever, those are the things I hold dear to my heart. We have a broken system, but I refuse to just be another number on a statics post somewhere.
But for those lucky parents out there, reading this.. who complain about the little things your child or your ex does. About how you miss them when they’re gone for the summer, holiday breaks or weekends. If the tables were turn, how would you feel? I used to think differently, when it was the kids going to their dad’s on the weekends before I moved.
Now it’s a whole different ball game and I don’t like it one bit. However, I do what I can to better my chances to getting them more than I do now. For those amazing kids I have, I would do anything for. I love them more than life itself. My goal in life is to give them the best life that I can…
Happy Mother’s Day from one proud mama to the next. Hug your children when you see them. Tell them how much they mean to you, because you never know when you will get to do it again. The mother without custody, you don’t know her story or why she doesn’t have her kids, give her a hug, for she may need it more than anyone else.
Awwww I’m so sorry that you have to spend Mother’s Day alone. It stinks that your ex won’t let the kids come over for a bit to spend time with their Mom on this special day. I hope you do have a Happy Mother’s day regardless. ((HUGS))
I am so sorry that you’re not be able to spend time with your kids on Mother’s Day. At least you got your oldest daughter you and her will have to make a big deal out of the day just because.
So sorry about the pain in not having custody of your child. I cant imagine what moms, like you, must go through emotionally. Big bear hug back atcha!!
I am a child with no connections to my parents. This time of year is ridiculously hard because of all the propaganda about Mothers day or Fathers day. I couldn’t image losing someone this way though.
I am so sorry that this weekend will be so difficult for you. I’m glad you have your oldest daughter there to celebrate with you. Thank you for sharing your heart.
I truly commend your strength and openness, as I am sure both Mother’s Day and your everyday situation are both not easy. Sending love and support from one mom to another.
I can’t even imagine! My ex tried to fight me for custody but it became clear he ONLY did that to avoid paying child support! As soon as I let him off the hook for ALL support he stopped fighting me! I raised them without help in all ways. Yes, he had more money and the good lawyer so he could have technically won!
I think a lot of people assume that if a mother lost custody of her kids she MUST have been a horrible mother because the theory is mom’s always win custody. That is just NOT true!
Love to all mom’s out there who struggle with this.
I’m so sorry your Mother’s Day isn’t going to be the way it should be (in my opinion). I hope you can still find a way to enjoy it with your oldest. Hang in!
I am so sorry you don’t have custody. I couldn’t even fathom not having my child around. I so feel for you and everyone who has lost a child not only on Mother’s Day, but every day! 🙁
Thank you for your openness and honesty about this issue. I too lost custody of my daughter. And yes, money always wins. I was lucky that my husband let me see her almost every weekend. Until he met his new wife. Then it was back to court. It was awful. But now she is almost 30 and we have the closest relationship. So, keep hope. The bonds cannot be broken between a mother and he children.
This breaks my heart. I can’t imagine not having my kids in my life. I celebrate Mothers Day doing something fun with the kids. I still hope you have a blessed Mothers Day.
This is heartbreaking. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain of not having custody of your child. Wishing you a Happy Mother’s Day!
This was heartbreaking. I could not imagine not having my kids with me every day. I have a good friend going through something similar and seeing her struggle breaks my heart.
It is easy to forget moms that don’t have custody on Mother’s Day. My mom was like you and lost custody of my brother and sister because one of those “crazy reasons.”
Being a parent without custody is hard no matter what your gender. I am sorry that any parent has to go through it. 🙁
I’m so sorry that you have to spend the day without your three kids. Sending love and prayers your way.
It’s nice that you presented a new angle to Mother’s Day celebration. I think though it’s not only those moms who don’t have custody who are troubled but also those who are living and working far away from their children to earn money.
I’m so sorry you can’t spend Mother’s Day with all your kids, I hope you and your daughter have a special day together regardless.
This truly looks like it was something that was difficult to write.
It sounds like a lonely venture – best of luck to you.
I hope your oldest daughter finds a balance with her siblings.
It’s a very hard thing to do, I know my wife hates being separated from her kids over the normal course of her custody arrangement (joint physical and legal). To not have them on Mother’s Day would be heartbreaking.
I cannot imagine being in your shoes, and I think this is an absolutely beautiful way to let other moms in the same situation know they are not alone, nor are they in any way less. Life throws us all curve balls sometimes.
This must have been so incredibly difficult to write and I really appreciate you put all the effort and thought into it nonetheless. What a wonderful post that will touch so many women out there. Sending you lots of hugs xxx
Sorry to hear you are spending mothers day without all of your children, hope you and your oldest have a wonderful day together.
Happy Mother’s Day, Natalie! I can not even begin to imagine how horrible it must be for you. Hugs!
First, Thank you so much for being brave enough to talk about motherhood and Mother’s Day from this perspective. I am grateful that you did. I apologize that it is so hard and I can only imagine how hard it truly is. Here is a virtual *hug*!
I’m so sorry. I couldn’t imagine not being with my girls on mothers day. You just made me feel better about my day. I woke up, made my own coffee and breakfast. Received mothers day texts from friends and family before I did from anyone in my own house.
I can only feel for fellow moms who are going through this. My heart breaks knowing that a mom cannot be with her children whenever she wants to. It’s not easy being a mom but it’s also more difficult to be a mom that’s away from her kids.
I am so sorry that you don’t get to spend time with your kids. I feel your pain.
My daughter hurt me really bad a few years ago and our relationship has been a strained ever since then. She surprised me and came to see me today.
I can’t imagine how hard it is for mom’s to be without their kids on Mother’s Day. It must also be hard for the kids knowing they can’t spend that time with their mom as well.
I know that the courts try to do what is right by the kids, but sometimes I don’t always feel like that is the case. More money shouldn’t mean custody. I feel sorry for any family who can’t spend time with each other on those special holidays.
I never thought about this topic. I can’t imagine what they are going through especially during Mother’s Day. So sad and unfair!
This is powerful. I couldn’t imagine. My mom died when I was 16 though and that always makes the day a little harder for me even though I have 7 of my own with me! I couldn’t imagine not having custody! Huge hugs to you.
I am so sorry you can’t spend Mother’s Day with your children. I can’t even imagine what you must go through emotionally. Stay strong, giving you a giant virtual hug!
I can’t even imagine the feeling. I really do not think that it is fair. Stay strong!
It took a lot of guts to come out and talk about this. I am sure that this is a tough holiday for you. I pray that you will get your children back and you will have their love with you always.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m not a Mom but I can’t imagine not being able to see your kids when you want.
A giant bear hug to you too! How sad, knowing how you suffered when you were still in that struggling relationship. And the agony adds up when you had finally ended it, by being away from your kids, i cannot imagine how you bear all the pain. I really hope and pray that everything will go well with you. As they say, life is like a wheel, when you are down, there’s no other place to be next except being up! Thanks for sharing your story, it is an inspiration to me!
This made me tear up. I can’t imagine how difficult this would be but I know from a friend who is in the same situation that it’s important to have the kids on these special days. She’s lucky in that respect, her ex hubby sounds opposite than yours. He makes sure she spends Mother’s Day and all other special occasions equally with the kids.
This is such a beautiful post. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to not be able to be with your kids on Mother’s Day. So glad you were able to encourage a few with this.
I’m so sorry for the pain that you’re going through. It’s so sad that we still have a destructive legal system that continues to tear families apart. They don’t realize that not only it affects the parents, but it affects the children as well. Sending a lot of hugs your way!
This was such an open piece! There are so many out there that are going through this.
Keep your head up Mom! Praying for you! I know it’s rough! I am sorry! Thanks for sharing
So sorry that you are dealing with this, especially on Mother’s Day. The one day to celebrate your love of being mommy to your kids.
That would be hard to go through! My parents got divorced when I was 3 yrs old… my parents hated each other so much that my mom moved us to the USA to start fresh. My dad never fought for us. I grew up thinking my dad didn’t care about me because he called maybe 3 times out of my life and never came to visit me as a child or even send letters. 27 yrs later (at the age of 30) I had serious health problems and the doctors and surgeons said I only had 24-48hrs to live. My mom called my dad to break the news to him and he flew to the US and came to the hospital to be with me. He explained how hard it was for him to not be a part of my life, I could see the pain and emotion as he spoke from the heart. I have to say, it made me feel better to hear him say this and to be there for me when I really needed him. I was able to overcome the hurt and neglect and have peace of mind knowing he loved me all along.
What I’m trying to say to you and maybe other non-custody parents is to be there as much as you can (no matter how: visits, calls, letters, photos, Skype, FB) Let them know how much you love them and speak to them from the heart, because there’s not much else that’s worse than not feeling loved or wanted by your own parent. And know when they are legal adults (18) custody is no longer a problem, they have the choice to be with you as much as they want.
sorry this is long, it’s just that I can somewhat relate to the child side of this! It sux, but life does continue to happen and your kid will want to see you taking good care of yourself!
Aww this must be hard. I know a few friends having to deal with this too and Mother’s Day is hard for them!
My heart goes out to you. I can feel your pain. Mother’s Day is difficult for me too. I have a toxic mom. When I was 40, I told my mom that my boyfriend, my son and I were moving a few hours away. My mom told me she would ” get me ” in a spiteful tone. A month later, she took me to court for shared custody of my autistic son. We couldn’t afford a custody attorney. We didn’t have an attorney, my mom did. My mom used my benign brain tumor against me. My doctors would have never stated that my health issues would have made me an incompetent parent. My mom refuses to let him stay at our residence at all. My mom is vindictive and purposely keeps me in the dark about my son. She doesn’t involve me in any decisions regarding my son’s care. She doesn’t act like she has shared custody. She acts like she has full custody. I am concerned that my mom may even try to place him for adoption without my consent. My mom has told my other relatives that I will never get my son back. On Mother’s Day, my mom has the audacity to send me a Mother’s Day card. My son has lived with her for 9 years now. I don’t feel like a mother anymore. My son is autistic and doesn’t talk. My heart breaks for him. He is the true victim in this situation. Will be saying prayers for all of you Moms going through difficult times, especially on Mother’s Day.
Thank you for this. I have been struggling for three years now and I feel I have reached my breaking point. We are stuck in this never ending battle for reunification therapy. We are on out third therapist. Not because of my behavior. Because of my ex being confrontational. My ex-husband left with my children on December 25th, 2016 while I was working as a Nurse Aide at a hospital. He had told me he would do this on a number of occassions; so I stayed with him. He abused me to the point where my older children saw it as the norm to do the same. I stayed with him. It took me a long time after he left to realize what he did was abuse. He only physically abused me a few times but he did emotional abuse. He verbally degraded me. He verbally abused me.
I have never told my story to anyone because I have had people degrade me. CPS said my claims of abuse were baseless and that I was the abuser. I was told to give full custody and they would not pursue baseless charges I could not disprove. It was my word against my ex-husband and his high-powered lawyers.
Mother’s day I cry now. I cry on Christmas. Holidays I loved and cherished I spin into a whirlwind of depression where I only get out of bed to go to work. My boyfriend ( god bless him) never knows what to say. How could he? He doesn’t understand the pain I go through. I don’t expect him to. No one understands.
I really appreciated this. This makes me realize that I am not alone. This makes me realize that people are going through what I am going through.
Girl, I want to give you a big ol’ hug!!!! You are most def NOT ALONE! You have a supportive boyfriend, that helps. But you’re correct, if you’re not going through it, you really don’t know the mental damage it puts on you as a person. I’ve learned to compress a lot of it, it helps and doesn’t. I also learn to fill the void with healthy things, like new hobbies, hanging out with friends, not being stuck doing nothing but my thoughts. I have a few friends who have been through this or are currently going through this and they all came to me, because I could relate. I’m really glad this helped you, if you need someone to chat with, my inbox is always opened, [email protected] — I’m here <3