An Open Apology To Myself

Never be sorry for your regrets! Our regrets, our struggles, our mistakes… without them we wouldn’t be the people we are today, we wouldn’t be where we are in life currently. Whether it’s a good or bad thing. You should never regret your life. But on the other hand, not believing in yourself and not trusting yourself in decisions more can be fixed. Imagine writing yourself an apology for the things you regret or wish you could have done differently. If you have something you would like to apologize to yourself for.

I was looking back on my Facebook memories yesterday and there was this Tyler Ward post that I commented on 2 years ago. Two years ago, I had a different mindset, I was so beyond lost. I didn’t know where my life was going. 2 years ago yesterday, I thought John and I worked out our problems, but I was just blinded by what I wanted to see. This was my reply 2 years ago.

Dear Natalie,
Sorry you got pregnant at the age of 17, for reasons you KNEW better to do what you did, for all the people who told you to “just get rid of it” (the baby). I’m glad you didn’t, having a baby your senior year of high school. Taught you, how much you can truly love another person. But you showed everyone who had no faith in you. Graduated, being a single mom, not a lot of people can say they did that. YOU SHOULD BE PROUD! Being the fact, my baby girl was the best thing that happened to me, she is turning 10 next month, I bet you didn’t see that happening. So THANKFUL, You didn’t listen to the negative things those people told you.

Your choice of men & breakups would give Taylor Swift some good songs to write about. Sorry you have been Cat-Fish’ed so many times, Sorry you were real when the people you really cared about weren’t. Sorry you had your heart broken more than most people and never gave up. Thank You for never giving up on life. Thanks for keep looking, you were in luck, God had a man waiting for you. You would find a man, who didn’t mind when your 2 year old called him daddy, because she didn’t know, it didn’t scare him off like it has in the past. When dating, he WANTED to hangout with both of you, not just you. That there told you something deep inside. Truth be told, you would be married for 7 years & counting.

Sorry you had to go thru one of the biggest problems in America these days, separation & divorces. I’m sorry the problems you had to go thru, both mentally & physically are rough for normal people, but you’re strong for what you had to do, after all you had to do it for those 3 amazing kids & 1 on the way. I’m glad you had Amanda, Amanda was there for you, though you were both going thru very very very dark times, I like to believe you kept each other alive. That right there is the best kind of friendship someone can have. I’m glad you had your kids, I like to believe they kept you alive as well. For how broken your heart was, you never gave up, you kept fighting the fight. You never gave up on life, even when you were at your worst. It’s funny how God lets things works things out in your marriage.

Thank you for searching for music videos that one day on YouTube, I’m sure that day right then saved your life.. For what you were doing, music was just music before. But that day, music kept you alive. You found Mr. Tyler Ward, but it wasn’t just music. You found “The Rescue” which, til this day, I like to think he rescued you, even when you couldn’t rescue yourself. Video after video, I’m pretty sure you listened to all of his songs. For someone you never met (at the time). His music saved you.

Someone like him, may never truly understand how much he can change someone’s life, let alone save someone’s life. He did without knowing. You will end up meeting him on Dec 2012 and becoming a fan girl, haha..

Just looking back on that along makes me cry. Not really sad tears, more just for how far I’ve come in two years. When we are going through struggles, we don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. But it’s there. If I could write the same thing about life now it would look something like this…

Dear Natalie,

You need to stop waiting for the “perfect job” and just apply like crazy for everywhere. I know you want to stick with your passion of making graphics and blogging, but it’s not going to be enough right now. When the time is right, we can do this again for a living. It’s time for you to stop being scared of being on your own. You were co-dependent for so long, you’re scared. Don’t worry, don’t be scared. Life is moving by and you’re standing on the sidelines waiting for life to come to you, you need to go out and get it.

I am sorry you thought you would have the “perfect” life by now. You thought you would have the perfect pinterest home, the kids, the husband and a happy life with your family. Not a care in the world, being able to truly be happy with yourself and happy inside and out. Not having to fret about living from paycheck to paycheck. Sorry the last 6 years have been horrible. But honestly, for awhile there, I didn’t think we would be here typing this, I didn’t think we were strong enough, I didn’t think we would be alive right now. But you wanna know a secret? We are, we’re alive, we’re stronger, we’re not going anywhere.

I am sorry you’re the person of second chances, third chances, you always see the best in people, when they don’t deserve it. Call it a blessing and a curse. You always want the best for people, you’re a people pleaser, you ignore the signs that people throw in your direction, that they’re up to no good, that they will use you and not have any guilt from it. You will give him a second chance and you will fall back into that toxic relationship. You knew you shouldn’t of went back to him, but you gave him a second chance. You didn’t want to admit that your marriage failed, you didn’t want to give up, you wanted it to work. I could see how much it made you ache inside. When you’re with someone for that long, you can’t just walk away.

I know you’re in a place right now where you just don’t know what to do. You just want to sleep all day. You just want to sleep and wake up from this insane of a nightmare, just to see that this is all too real, that this is NOT in fact a dream, that this really is happening. Might I remind you, that you’re still here for a reason. You have met some amazing people, you inspire them to be better people, you’re there to cheer them up when they’re having a bad day. You make them happy, you make them feel loved, when they feel like complete crap. That’s what you do, you make people happy. You’re really a great person, you’re so loving and kind. People like you are rare these days.

Maybe you should go with your gut, maybe you should move. Maybe you should finally go to the DMV and stop putting that crap on hold and just get it done with. Don’t be scared. You got this! You gotta get in control of your life. You need to be vulnerable. You need to trust in God more, you need to not hold things inside, you need to forgive more. You need to live… smile.. hug.. love. You need to open your heart to love again. You can’t live in fear. People will break you, but you will never be able to repair your broken heart if you keep it locked up and out of reach. You need to be free.

Lastly, you’re an amazing mom. Your kids know you love them. Your kids love you too. Life over the last year has been horrible, let’s face it. I know you wanted to see your kids more, I know you wanted to hug them more. I know you cherish every moment you had with them and it will all be over soon. You will be able to tuck them in at night. You will be able to kiss their boo-boos and be the one that comforts them when they are sad. Despite what they say about you. Don’t let them break you, YOU are they’re only mother, YOU gave birth to them and YOU are the one who shows them what true love is about. YOU showed them how it’s perfectly fine to watch Frozen 3 times a day, that having a dance party on a Friday night is perfectly fine, that singing ‘pink fluffy unicorn’ is perfectly fine, binging Spongebob is awesome! That they shouldn’t be afraid to be themselves, that being creative is great too. Jammin’ out to Tyler Ward music on TeeTeeTuesday is perfectly normal. YOU happen to awesome be the mom to the most amazing inspiring 11 year old ever. She was your first love and she is a spinning image of you. She is just as loving and caring to her friends and other kids at school. YOU have never left her life, YOU are always there. YOU, you are awesome. Be proud you are their mother, you’re doing one hell of an amazing job.

If you wrote a Dear self letter, what would you say?

[Tweet “”Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, at least you know you’re living.” – @TylerWardMusic”]