I’m a non-custodial parent. This means I don’t have physical custody of my children, though I may have legal custody. My goal here isn’t to seek pity but to shed light on what it’s like for parents who don’t have custody of their kids. Often, we picture a dad in this role, but about 10% of non-custodial parents are mothers.

Many non-custodial parents are not neglectful. They simply found themselves at a disadvantage in the court system and must live with the consequences unless they have the resources to continue the fight. It’s disheartening to see parents who don’t treat their kids well retain custody while others, like myself, struggle. I remember the court day when I realized my chances of getting custody were slim. When the judge awarded primary custody to my ex, I was devastated. My youngest was just 18 months old then; now, they are turning six. I’ve missed so many milestones: potty training, the first day of school, school projects, field trips, and bedtime stories.

When I divorced my ex-husband, I thought I’d get full custody of our children, given what I had endured. We hired a lawyer who was a family friend and seemed trustworthy. After the custody hearing, I was granted the ability to Skype with my kids before 8 pm and visit them with a week’s notice. But with them living four hours away, weekday Skyping is almost impossible. I get them during even years’ Spring Break, four days for Thanksgiving, one week of Christmas break, and the entire summer break. I cherish these breaks deeply, as calls and Skype sessions are rare.

What people don’t tell you about being a non-custodial parent is the daily heartache of being apart from your child. Most days, I try not to dwell on it because it brings me to tears. Not being there when my kids need their mom is a pain I can’t describe. Initially, I hated my ex for what happened, especially after being cheated on. But I eventually forgave him, which helped me move on. Unfortunately, my friends and family haven’t forgiven him, and their bitterness drives me crazy. It’s time to let go and move on.

Being a non-custodial parent comes with its own set of challenges, including judgment from others. When people find out I don’t have custody, they often jump to conclusions. I asked some fellow non-custodial parents, and we compiled a list of things not to ask or assume about us:

“What did you do? How come? Why don’t you do something?”

People often think we must have done something terrible to lose custody. In reality, it’s often due to a broken system where the other parent had better resources or a more convincing lawyer. If we could fix it easily, we would. Going to court isn’t cheap.

“Why do you only get them on weekends? Why don’t you get them more often?”

The judge’s decision and logistics play a big role. My kids live four hours away, and moving closer isn’t feasible due to job availability.

“Can’t you just ask the other parent for more time with your kids?”

Of course, we want more time with them. Returning the kids to their other parent after a visit is heartbreaking every time.

“Don’t you miss them? I bet you miss your children.”

I miss my kids every day, but dwelling on it can be overwhelming and make it hard to function.

“It will all work out… They will come around… Just give it time.”

This isn’t helpful. Some people wait years for things to change, and sometimes they never do. It’s mentally exhausting.

“Deadbeat parents.”

There’s a big difference between parents who choose not to be involved and those who are trying but are blocked by circumstances. Being called a deadbeat is incredibly painful.

“How are your kids doing? How do you live without them?”

This question isn’t mean but can bring us to tears. We often don’t know how our kids are doing because contact is limited.

“Did you talk to them today?”

If I had talked to my kids, I would be ecstatic and sharing it with everyone. Silence often means we haven’t spoken in a while.

Being a non-custodial parent is tough. It’s a daily struggle filled with heartache and frustration. We do our best to stay strong and cherish the moments we have with our kids, hoping for a better future.because it’s a sad topic for me. I don’t like explaining to why I don’t have them and it just makes me sad.

Can you feel the emotions? I certainly did while writing this post. I am deeply grateful to the men and women who supported me during this process; it was incredibly challenging, and I often had to take breaks. If you are one of the fortunate parents who see your children every day, embrace them with a hug and kiss, and remind them how much they mean to you. We often don’t realize the true value of what we have until it’s no longer there.

Are you a non custodial parent? If so, what’s one thing you wish people didn’t ask you or wish they knew?