Sorry, but I’m NOT a failure! | #LateNightThoughts

Failure
noun fail·ure ˈfāl-yər
1. omission of occurrence or performance; specifically.
2. lack of success.

You know, when you’re stressed and angry at a person, for whatever it may be.. You say things to this person without thinking or simply for the fact, that at that point in time you were angry and mad at this person. Do you ever honestly think about the hurtful things you say to a person? Do you know what words like that does to a person? In this time and age, bullying happens to everyone. But you know, it’s just not just kids that are bullies, adults can be just as much as a bully as a 10 year old kid can be.

Now there’s always two sides to a story, we all know this. There’s also a right and wrong to each story. Each person may think their side is the right side. But you could both be in the wrong. Make sense? I used to be the one to place blame my soon-to-be ex-husband. Because it was easy to always blame things on him. But putting the blame on him isn’t always right? I know he’s an ex and hasn’t treated me like a husband should treat his wife, but at the same time, I wasn’t always treating him how a wife should treat her husband. But the thing is, I can admit I was wrong. Can you?

It’s been a rough 5 years.. 5 years of ups and downs, trying to figured out what to do in life. Do I stay together for the kids, do I stick with it through the good, the bad and the ugly? Or do I just call it quits and throw in the towel? I did what I thought was right, I fought for that marriage. “Let’s get help, let’s talk to someone..” “Oh, I don’t need help, there’s nothing to talk about…” But there was, there’s always something to talk about. Something had to be wrong. Was it me? Was I the reason, did I do something wrong? Was it because I have a gene that makes me not lose weight having a kid? Was it that I had a few lazy days and didn’t want to do anything? Was it because I have depression and on days that I was in the dumps, I didn’t want to leave the bed? Was it because I wasn’t a neat freak and was more of a hoarder? What was it?

The one thing, I learned more after being separated was, how we should of had God in our relationship. You can both claim to be Christians all day long, but it’s not about that. It’s about a relationship with God. A relationship with God that you bring into a marriage. That’s the key to a successful marriage of two Christians. Not saying, you have to be a Christian to have a healthy marriage. (I’m not trying to throw my religion at anyone, btw). See, when we met I went to church every Sunday, Wednesday & Friday. I love God and he loved me. After we got married and moved away, we didn’t bring God with us. That’s the first mistake. It wasn’t until I was in a horrible place in life that I found God again. Which we all fall off the wagon sometimes, it’s our job to put ourselves back on that wagon though.

We tried to make it work, after Jacob was born. I thought things were going to work. I was really depressed, almost suicidal the first separation, I am not proud of that year and half of life. I was at the point where, I was fine with not waking up the next day. But then I remember, I had 3 awesome kids at that time, that I had a reason for living, I couldn’t take away their only mom from them. That wasn’t fair for them. I thought I was alone, I know now that I had people who cared, I was just in so much pain, I didn’t let anyone in. That was until I found 2 things. One, I found God again and the other thing was a YouTuber by the name of Tyler Ward. Now I know I told him plenty of times how he saved my life, but he really did.

It was easy, but I like to think, you have to hit rock bottom before you can fully succeed in life again. You have to know what rock bottom feels like, so when you look back on your life and you can stop and say to yourself, “Hey I survived that and LIVED!” It’s been 5 years.. really 3 years since I was in that place in life and I can sad proudly, I am glad I went through it, still going through it. Because it has made me the person I am today. Without the hard lessons I learned to overcome, it has made me a different person. From dealing with a failed marriage, mental and verbal abuse, becoming basically homeless, from eating what little foods we had to live by, what money did come in from what graphics and websites I made, went to food. I did what I could with what I had. It wasn’t much. But my kids learned a valuable lesson, it doesn’t matter what you have, material things aren’t going to last forever. They sure as hell don’t buy you happiness. But as long as you have family and the ones you care about you near by, that’s all you need.

So after we decided to work things out round two, at that point I learned a few things. I learned I needed to be not as lazy before, that I wasn’t completely innocent, there were things, little things I needed to work on, not completely change, but you should never change who you are for a person. You should only better yourself for yourself. I thought things were doing good. Apparently what I did change at that point in life, wasn’t enough. I don’t know what I did to “fail” my husband, but I did something. I wasn’t enough of a wife for him. He had to find it elsewhere. I will never fully know what did it. Maybe one day when he’s not so angry toward me, he will tell me, maybe I’ll never know.

Those next 8 months would be rough, they weren’t easy by any mends, we had to go on with life, like nothing was different, but i was different. The kids were strong though. The younger two never really understood what was going on. Besides the fact, that they lived with mommy and on the weekends they got to go see daddy at his girlfriend’s apt. They got used to this lifestyle, but that lifestyle wasn’t a healthy one. There was no support, nothing but bad memories, bad times, things started to take a tole on me mentally, physically.. I needed to get out. But I couldn’t just up and leave. That was to simple, it can’t be that simple. It wasn’t. I came to a fork in the road and I picked what I thought was the best road, which turns out, it wasn’t the easiest, in fact, I took the harder road. But I picked that road, because something inside me told me to. So, maybe all the struggles and road blocks I come to, aren’t meant for me. I am put up against these things, to see how I would handle them. God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle. Which let me tell you, I must be able to handle a lot, because.. wow.. just wow!

“Life is full of setbacks. Success is determined by how you handle setbacks.”

I moved back into my parents house since becoming homeless. Do you know how hard it is to find a job? It’ a pain in the butt. But I finally scored myself a job. Now I still do blogging and graphic designing, which are both consider part-time at this point. I also picked up a job, you know the kind out of the house, you actually have to wear pants to, haha. I’m a cook a fast food place, you do whatcha gotta do. They say, you will get where you’re going someday. Now I have to focus on getting ANOTHER part-time job. So I have enough to get a car and pay for car insurance. Once that’s taken care on, next step is finding a place to live. Then filling the house with what it needs. Then being able to move the kids into said house. Then I want to go back to school. I have this to-do list of plans I have for myself.

You see, I am not a failure. A failure gives up? I haven’t given up. That’s where you’re wrong.

You think by your hateful words and hateful emails, you think you can still control me. I learned while going through all those road blocks and bad things I had to deal on a daily basics, that I didn’t have to. I didn’t have to put up with the verbal and metal abuse, but because I did, I took all that negativity and turned it into something positive. Being able to share my stories with others who are going through the struggle, to let them know they’re not alone.  I’m not a failure. I may not have all my ducks in a row. I may not have the perfect life. I may not be able to buy my kids the newest clothes and shoes and newest video games. But I have taught them how to be thankful for what they have. I still deal with the daily battles of depression and not being okay. But the one thing I learned with that. It’s okay to not be okay, but you know what? I’m not alone.  I know my triggers and I know how to avoid them. Not all days are bad days, not all days are good days. It’s not a bad life, just a bad day.

So you can sit here and call me a failure as a mom and as a wife all day long. But can you honestly look in a mirror and ask yourself if you’re not a failure as a Christian husband and Christian Father? Can you? Chances are the answer is no. But you know, that’s okay. That’s why, you take all your pains, worries and troubles and you talk to God. Once you ask God to work out all the pains and troubles in your life, he will. Once you’re able to say. Hey you know what.. I have nothing to worry about, God has a plan for me. That’s when you know you’re good. But you know what, you failed me as a husband, you failed me as a friend, you failed me as someone I could trust my life with. You failed me over and over again. But I’m the type of person that puts too much trust into a person that doesn’t deserve it. But you know what, I forgive you. Because when I went to go, you were one of the pains and troubles, I gave to him. Now I know we can’t fix what we had, but we can fix what we have for the future. I’ve done all I can from my side, it’s all on you now.