Insomnia Rants about Life at 4am | #LateNightThoughts

You know that feeling you get when you’re in the boat called life and your floating in this boat and you’re without a life jacket. You’re rushing to keep your boat a float. But just like any one person, no one is perfect. So your boat has holes in it, you can try to patch these holes and stay a float. Or you can choose not to do anything and sink with your boat. I feel like once I get one hole patched another hole gets un-patched and there’s this never ending cycle of trying to fix things. I can’t control. Trying to fix things that can’t be fixed.

I feel like once I get a piece of my life together, something else falls through the cracks. I feel like I got everything in order. I have goals, I set goals for myself.. daily, weekly, monthly.. for the rest of the year.. until X amount of time. Some days I feel like, my boat is all patched up and I can just sit back and relax. Other days, I am going all over to find things to fill these holes, so the water doesn’t get in.

Whether these things are actually filling the holes or if these things are just pretending the fill the holes. It’s working, so I pretend everything is perfectly fine. When everything is not fine, everything is falling apart, everything is just falling apart from the seams.. I am not okay, I am not perfect. I can’t go on. But I don’t people to think I was a quitter, I don’t want people to think I just gave up, because things became to hard.

I want to prove that I can overcome my past. I want to show that people can survive something like that and come out a fighter. It can happen. I’ve seen it happen to other people, what’s stopping it from happening to me.

You can’t let yourself drown. You have to put positive things in your life, you have to put positive people in your life. Start filling those holes with positive things and not negative things. Fill the holes with your support system and things that make you really happy. Things that are good for you, not things that are bad. Fill them with God, your friends, music, your passions, your family, your kids.

You will still have the holes, but these holes will take time. It’s not a over night fix, it will take time. There’s no set date on how long these things will take. Because everyone is different. Everyone heals different, everyone deals with things differently than others. Some can just ignore the holes and pretend they got their stuff together. While the other person is filling their holes with the wrong people and addictions that are hard to break. Finding love in all the wrong places and people. Trying to fill the voids.

My life currently is a boat filled with holes. Holes I’ve held on to for years now, holes, that I just ignored, when I knew I should of patched them up, but later crack all opened without much warning. Then I was left with a bigger problem then I thought. Holes where I filled with the wrong people, wrong relationships, wrong addictions, wrong habits. Now I’m here… thinking what next..

I need to find a place to live, but I need a car first. I cant get either of those figured out until I get a better paying job, then the one I currently have. I can’t get my kids, if I don’t have those 3 things. I can’t have a ride to church, if I don’t have a car. I can’t have a car and pay insurance until I get a better paying job. I had a job, it was horrible, treated horrible, pay was horrible, all around horrible. Still dealing with my failure of a marriage, I know it’s over. But it’s taking forever to actually be over. There’s so much stress and heartache over something so life changing. There’s more to it, then the fact that it’s a divorce. I can’t go into detail now, but when it’s all said and done. I will share about it, so it can be a helpful tool for someone who is struggling with the same thing.

I mean, there’s a few things I got going for me.. I am not completely homeless, I had to move back into my parent’s house. I have an amazing 11 year old daughter who is doing amazing in school. I have three amazing kids who currently live with their dad, that I get to see on some holidays, but it aches my heart, that they’re not with me. I’ve never dealt with that kind of pain before. I mean it was one thing my husband left me for another woman, but my kids being not with me every day, every night. I’m lucky if I get to talk to them every day, I barely get to Skype them. I miss their stories, I miss their silly songs. Most of all, I miss their cuddles and hugs. That’s the kind of things, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. It’s not gone, but temporary not there. There’s like an error not found.

But I have to stay strong for them. I have to make it for them. They didn’t ask for this lifestyle. Gotta stay strong for them. How long does one have to stay strong? How much strong-ness does one have? Does a strong person have a breaking point? What’s that breaking point? This post has no meaning. This is what my brain deals with every night before bed. If I actually sleep. A lot of what if’s and if I did this different, would I be where I am now.

Instead of worrying about all these things. I reached out for help. I ask for prayers and hugs when I need them. I ask for my friends to pray for me. I talk to people or I write these posts, if someone is able to get help from my pain. I feel like the pain was worth it. It’s a tool to help other people. After all, I love helping people. I am a people person. Even if I’ve been hurt more than I like to admit. I will still carry a smile even if all I am doing is screaming for help and crying on the inside.

I went to go God. I said… “I can’t do thi alone anymore.. I need you.. I need your help…” It’s that simple honestly. If God isn’t your thing, that’s cool. I am not going to throw him at you. It’s just what works for me. It doesn’t work for everyone. Maybe it’s just not your time yet. I feel you really have to hit rock bottom, before you have to ask for that kind of help. You have to be out of choices, where the only choices left aren’t good ones, where if you kept going on what you were doing, you were going to kill yourself one way or another. Except, you ask to a higher power.

So here I sit in my boat. There’s holes, my boat isn’t perfect. But these holes aren’t filled with negative things anymore, these holes don’t have negative people in them or negative relationships. Instead, I have let love into these holes. There’s an amazing support system, that’s always been there, but I wasn’t fulling letting them in. I had my walls up, so they couldn’t get in. These walls I thought were keeping me safe were just keeping everyone out. As soon as you let those walls down and the love in. That’s when your life starts to make a difference. That’s the first step to a better life.

So back to my boat.. there’s holes.. but it’s okay, because I have God, God is my life jacket and he won’t let me drown. even if I feel like my boat is going to sink. I got God and he’s going to save me. He has amazing plans for me. I have gone through what I gone through to learn a lesson. To learn how strong I am, how much patience I have and how I have really changed as a person. I went through the abusive relationships, the heartache, the failures to learn a lesson. I don’t know what that is. But I know this much. When it’s all sad and done, I will be able to look back on this and think.. “Man did I really make it through that.. how many people can say they made it..”

I may not have my life together now, but it’s 10x better than it was a year ago and that’s all that matters. I just gotta remember, these things don’t happen over night.